Apocalypse of Jude » 2008 » May

Apocalypse of Jude

Fragment 110 /Christmastide /Vespers /Thurs, 24 Dec 1998

Jude stands upon the old footbridge, arms rested on its walls, a stick in his hand that leaves the appearance of one fishing. Behind him is the road from the town that feels to him like an arid desert, while ahead of him lies the road leading to where Saint Mary’s keeps the hours with her bells. As he looks down into the stone cobbled canal, he spies a rat creeping its slimy belly through the weeds along the bank.

London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.”

He carries on singing to himself until the rat is lost in the vegetation.

/well/ /let me at least go and set my lands in order/

But he still feels no assurance that the dark night ahead is going to be met with a clean soul.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 111

Fragment 111 /Doxology /Prime /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

On the wide span of beach, sand wet and compact, six stand in a circle as the high tide rushes in over their feet. Before them is the sea, shimmering like glass mixed with fire. Behind them, the rising sun is blazing from beyond the mountain peaks. Their hands are joined, their heads are bowed and their hearts sing a victorious song as Geoff prays.

“Great and wonderful are your works, Lord God Almighty. You are the King of ages and when You come, all will fear You, O Lord, and bring glory to Your name. All nations will come and worship before You, even as we do so today on this beach, for Your righteous love have been revealed in Caul and Audrey. By Your grace, You have this night given to them victory over the beast, his image and his number. You have given to them as You have given to us, the song of Moses and of Christ to sing in their hearts, not only now, but for eternity. The final trumpet of heaven now sounds victorious in their hearts as it does in ours, and we sing with heaven, the kingdom of the world in Caul and Audrey has become the kingdom of our Lord and Christ, and He will reign forever in them both. We shout Hallelujah to rejoice and be glad that the wedding of the Lamb is coming and His bride is making herself ready.”

Together they begin to plough barefoot into the rushing waters that sound like a great multitude. They reach to where the ocean envelops their waists. The cold waves lap against their torsos, but the fire within them feels it not. All of them are dressed in white linen, the sun fully bathing them with the very fresh warmth of the new day. Geoff lifts up his arms and places his hands upon the heads of Caul and Audrey.

“Lord, we ask that You bless this baptism of Caul and Audrey that they themselves have sought, like the Ethiopian eunuch sought it from Philip after he had understood the Word.”

While the others hold hands in a circle around them, Geoff takes Audrey in his arms.

“Audrey, I baptise you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”

He dips her backwards and immerses her. She rises, with her face shining and smiling as she first hugs the one who immersed her and the others gathered round. Then Geoff takes Caul.

“Caul, I baptise you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”

Caul feels his being immersed into the sea and then being raised up again by the arms that hold him. As he rises, he feels his caul’s opaque weight fall from his head. And in the moment of being raised he watches the lake of burning sulphur that once before had been burning with torment all those, including himself, in the bar—he watches it give way to the purifying flames in which he is now hid until there is no longer any sea around him but a new heaven and earth. From the heavens he sees a most exquisite bride descending to the new earth, dressed in dazzling white. Into this timeless void, he hears Geoff’s voice addresses him and Audrey, and he listens.

“In this kingdom which both of you have now entered, God will one day live with men, and we will be His people forever. All tears will be wiped away. Neither will there be death, mourning, crying or pain, for when the bridegroom comes all manner of old things will be gone and everything will be made new. What I say to you is trustworthy and true, written and recorded in the Word. Christ’s command to both of you is to bring whoever is thirsty, so that they may drink without cost from river of Life that you now drink from. For to anyone who overcomes this world, what He has just given you, will become theirs, and they will become the sons and daughters of God for eternity. But whoever hears these words and does not seek to drink from the source who inspired them, from them will be taken the right to enter into the gates of the new Jerusalem. Do not seal up these words inside your soul. For the time is near.”

In the water, Geoff gathers the rest round, and raises his hands over them all.

“Now unto Him who is able to keep us from falling and who can present us faultless and with great joy before His glorious presence. To the only God our Saviour, be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Come, Lord Jesus. Come. Amen.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 112

Fragment 112 /Halloween /Terce /Sat, 31 Oct 1998

In her garden, the old lady kneels alone under the yoke of prayer, bowed before the One to whom she speaks.

“If Your thunder is heard, I pray that it has been heard as the Love of the One who sent the Spirit to be a Counsellor in Your name until the end of the age.”

She is silent, for many minutes, neither moving nor murmuring, but waiting, as if for something to be poured out within her. Her face calm, now fills with the pain of travail, until what desires to be cried forth can be held no more.

“But Lord, when shall I be as the swallow, that I may cease to be silent. A swallow, a swallow.

Her voice breaks the silence with blame.

“Your people, whom you have promised to keep safe, as in the cleft of the rock where the eagle makes her nest… We, who should be counselling in Your Spirit the whisper of God’s voice that You have revealed today amid the thunder…”

She spits out the agony of sadness doubled in her spirit.

“We have let those who speak abusively against the heavenly beings creep in and foul this town’s roots with mutations of the Truth.”

Again she remains silent as the travails passes into wrath at the knowledge of those who speak abuse.

“Lord, not even Michael dared slander Lucifer in fighting for the body of Moses. But these insolent, arrogant and boastful gossips, they spew their ignorance loudly to the world.”

Her skin mottles with the anger passing through her, but her head remains bowed, her voice taking now a tone of scorn.

“The only things that these men understand are instincts that every unreasoning animal knows from birth.”

And now shocked horror.

“And it is these things they lift up as the fount of all wisdom!”

Here she breathes calmed relief.

“But their wisdom shall destroy them, and they shall perish as the beasts perish.”

Calm on her face again, clouds cross the sky, and the sun past its zenith.

“Lord, I pray that you will open the eyes of those you have called, so that they can see that Your Love for them is burning intensely, so much so that You can no longer contain its ravishing heat, stronger than death and unyielding to the grave.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 113

Fragment 113 /Spring Equinox /None /Wed, 23 Sep 1998

Caul turns away again to the window overlooking the ocean, flushed and irritated, his shield of self-righteousness strengthening its already tight-fisted hold on his heart. He revolts at having to sit and finish his paid for coffee, so he gets up, leaving the untouched money as payment on the table. Going downstairs, he realises only a beach walk will calm his mind. He crosses the strand road, takes off his shoes at the beach’s edge, and walks down to the sheen of wet sand where waters meet the earth in perpetual rolling motion.
His body is still mixing its blood and hormone cocktail of self-righteousness, but the freshness of the sea breeze encourages him to breathe deeper.

Thus calmed, he walks and looks out over the ocean bay towards the horizon beginning to pile up with cloud visions. The view, in turn brings to memory his thoughts of this world being one big black hole with no way out, and no way for light to get in; just people and nature feeding off each other, breathing each other in, the darkness getting heavier and heavier.

Then he breathes out heavily in a force of realisation.

/what right did i then have to go around passing judgement on mae/ /when i myself am stuck in this dark cycle/ /and should have been scared/ /how more self-righteous can you get caul/

The realisation sends a grief washing over him, forcing him to a halt. His hands grab the sides of his head, pulling back its skin and hair. A thin sheet of water carried by the ocean’s momentum ripples fluidly over his feet. Then in the wake of the ocean’s retreating edge, his feet begin sinking and whelks surface to escape his weight.

/but what does it matter/ /there is no answer to the darkness/ /my failure with mae was because of my pride/ /gary failed with mae as well/ /maybe because his love was overcome by his greed/ /but which ever way she went/ /there had to be failure/

He looks down at his ankles and brings first his right foot and then his left foot out of the soupy sand. With his left big toe, he scratches, without thinking consciously, a heart in the soaked sand.

/but that doesn’t mean we weren’t able to love her/ /we did love mae/ /it’s just that we were overcome by our vices/ /and love died/ /or in my case wasn’t allowed to grow/

Another wave washes up, burying the heart, and then slips away. Caul lifts his sinking feet out of the sand again.

/if two people inside their self-enclosed worlds can communicate with each other so that love can grow between them/ /even if it must fail in the end/ /surely that means this universe can be broken into from the outside/ /assuming of course there is something outside this universe that wants to break in and communicate/ /which is tantamount to admitting to the existence of God/ /and a God who wants to talk to us/ /who wants to love us/

He looks back down along the sunlit contour of wet sand, watching the waves wash away his footsteps that brought him to where he stands, even as another wave swallows his ankles.

/but can that God save us from this darkness that destroys/

Caul raises his eyes to hover above the ocean where the afternoon sun is beginning to fill with burning colours, the tumultuous city of clouds rising to engulf the land, with incredible fluctuations of light being filtered by clouds as it passes to the earth. For a moment, Caul allows the beauteous feeling of light ripple through him, but within the instant knows it to be corrupted by the darkness that flows through all men and into all of creation, poisoning it. In his mind, Caul follows the trajectory of this thought to its own end, realising that as the corruption of darkness grows heavier and nears its culmination, so earth will move to destroy all men. He stands for a moment, an unconsoled Orion, a prince, whose tower he realises is now truly in ruins as his constellation must die within this black hole.

/this darkness will not masquerade as light for much longer/ /even now its beginning to raise its blood-dimmed tide of violence/ /and pauls got his fingers in it/ /mae has no choice but now to go into it/ /but my hope must now lie with jude/ /with his once upon a time God/ /and save him from paul/ /who must want to use him to usurp me/ /but who has killed me/ /so that my eyes have been opened to all this/ /paul couldnt of/ /not without my consent/

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 114

Fragment 114 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

In his trance, Jude reflects on the ferryman’s words. There comes to him in that moment, knowledge of the grace that Christ’s blood satisfaction is secure in him, and that he stands before God, a new creation, whole through Christ’s righteousness. As this knowledge envelops him, he is aware he is no longer priest of the rite, but one truly penitent to Christ. And as this awareness flows through him, the river before him is transformed—a river wending its way to the left, over the margin grasses, its waters no longer foul, but pure, yet nevertheless, still running darkly deep. Around him, the scene is no longer a wasteland, but a plain profusely variegated with the clothing of spring. And on the far bank, there is an old woman culling flowers in her solitary way, as one protected in an oasis amidst the desert.

Jude stares amazed at her, humility crowning her with a glory not seen in the other world. She appears not to see him, wandering leftwards up the opposite bank continuing to choose flowers for a growing bouquet. Jude simply follows awhile, then calls out with reverence.

“May I know who you are?”

The old woman looks up, smiling at him a smile that burns through Jude, causing him to stutter.

“This river…this place…”

“Do you not recognise them?” Her hands gesture in surprise.

“This river, these mountain slopes from under whose canopied trees you can spy its peaks? Have a look. Know you not those peaks?”

His eyes now opened, see clearly the lone mountain of the town rising heavenwards, and upon its peaks a gateway free up beyond into the universal air of the primal sphere.
She looks directly at him as his astonished eyes turn towards her.

“Yes, it was always like this.”

He says nothing, looking cast down at the dark running river.

“You should know that this river that lies between us, is the river that takes away the memory of man’s sin. And to enter the upward stair you see beyond, you must need cross it—crossing it in full penitence of your sin.”

The old woman turns away, singing suddenly. “Blessed are those whose sins are covered over”

She moves up along the river. Jude keeps abreast on the opposite bank, perplexed as to her meaning before an overwhelming luminescence brightens unbearably the wood; a music so beautifully effervescent emanating from within it, describable only as the notation of eternal joy. From among the tract of trees a candelabrum of seven blazing lamps appears, led by a multitude in raiment of whitest linen. Before the procession, Jude’s knees are melted and sustain his body no longer. The brilliance of the scene causes the river to reflect the sheen of a mirror in which alone Jude is able to view the pageant. The full sphere of a rainbow encircles the procession, and within the sphere behind the lamps, twenty-four figures move garlanded with crowns of gold upon their heads. Beyond them, fly four eye-filled creatures of six wings each, grotesque and magnificent, the shapes of ox, lion, eagle and man transfixing them. And then, in the reflection of the river’s mirror, comes among the creatures four, a chariot with one dressed as a son of man, his legs the colour of burnished bronze, his face the cause of all brilliance consuming the forest. In the sound of rushing waters, the deep, shocking crack of thunder splitting the sky is heard in his voice with lightening coming as if from his eyes.

“Behold, the mystery of the seven lamps of the seven churches.”

Then from the divine chariot is issued forth the form of the annunciation dove, light in splintered halo enclosing its form as it alights towards Jude, wondrously transforming to a Lady before him, wisdom’s enthralling beauty emanating from her, the colour of living flame burning around her, leaving Jude trembling on his knees before her, his spirit being pierced through with the remembrance that once in boyhood he believed by the presence of this Spirit, in the vision of being faithful to Christ until He came for His bride. Now he is ashamedly aware how long it has been since he was in the presence of the Spirit, his shame in the presence of the woman’s penetrating beauty turning his heart to grief.
The Lady, austere now with dread bearing, looks down upon Jude.

“By what right do you dare enter this garden upon the Mount? Do you not know man lives here in bliss, reconciled to God?”

Jude’s eyes fall upon the mirroring river causing him to see himself wretched, and he casts eyes away.

“You were once like them, and I sustained you in this native, unfallen soil. But when you passed from adolescence to manhood, you chose a wilder and unweeded garden to plant your seed. You turned your eyes away to follow another yearning, and made out of Christ, a false image in his bride. You gave to the Church what was due Christ, and your feet wandered this way till the falsity of the image could redeem the promises of God no longer. Only, you had fallen so low in the way of sin, that my only way of showing you the state of your soul was to hand you over to a man of perdition. But in the compassion of my wisdom, I gained the portal of one searching, that he might lead you through a purgatory of the sacraments you valued so dear.”

She pauses for a moment, her magnanimous bearing unbearable to Jude.

“And what have the sacraments proved? That none of them are sufficient to save life from death. And yet now that you are purged of them, you still find yourself no more dead than alive than when you held on to them. Church or no Church, you’d still not reach God.”

Jude’s head is bowed now, lowered to his ground-sunken knees.

“Then how does one reach Him? How does one cross this river?”

As he asks the questions, the light in his darkness-purged soul shines with freedom into his heart, causing in his mind, the crucifix of Christ to arise such that it pierces his guilt for such cruelty to the core of his heart.

The woman brooks no sympathy in her gaze severe. “Surely the fiat of God would be broken if you were to pass through these depths without deep repentance for such a murder?”

Jude’s spirit cries out at the pain her words draw from him, an anguish emanating from a deep severed place inside his being.

“Speak then! Is your guilt true? Your soul is purged of the once clamouring darkness that hid my countenance from you, but these waters have not yet cleansed your sin unconfessed.”

Though the desire to seal his lips and refuse admission of guilt presses itself hard against him, yet he shapes with great effort and bitter sigh, the welling understanding of his sin within, and gives birth upon his lips to true, wept confession.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned against You. I’ve blasphemed Your Son and made the Church my salvation. I have grieved the Holy Spirit and need Your grace to restore my soul. I’ve tried to shore up the sacraments against my spiritual ruin. But without Your life, they are but the fragments of my ruin. Forgive me, O sovereign Lord. In Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.”

Now the old woman is kneeling alongside of his prone body. She holds his arm as one trying to raise a person fallen to the ground.

“Come.”

Jude regains his feet and lets her guide him into the river, its surface still a mirror into which he must look to see the glorious scene beyond. Then with her arms upon his head, and with surprising supple strength, the old woman plunges Jude beneath the crystal gaze of the river, allowing its gentle current to wash completely over him, before drawing him back to the surface.

What vision of beauty now he sees fails rendering, save that his eyes fall upon the Lady of wisdom at rest at the burnished feet of the son of Man.

Guiding him forth from the water, the old woman smiles at his astonished delight. She allows him to gaze for a time, then with her hand upon his chin, draws his eyes away.

“Too intense a gaze will blind you from your work at hand.”

She turns him now full away from the enthroned vision to back across the waters of his passage.

“A handmaiden I have been to the Spirit’s call. Now you know my true worth, neither elevating me beyond to salvic purpose, nor rejecting my authority to guide. But your prayer was to sing as Samson in the temple of Dagon. So now your vision will be again transformed, and you will see this world as it truly is, at once both Hades down below and Eden upon Purgatory’s peak.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 115

Fragment 115 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 24 Dec 1998

Jude moves on until he comes upon Mae and Paul upon the banks of a river with its ferryman, unkempt, haggard and gaunt, poling his leaky bark towards the near bank. But there, suddenly upon it, running towards them they find Mae’s father livid, finger out accusing.

“Murderers who left me unburied. Usurpers of my priestly right over my daughter. I was priest and king guarding the sacred door.”

Paul looks on in scorn.

“You had no intention of ever opening the door or presiding over your daughter’s rite. You knew the time was ordained and you sought to pass it by, closing it on your daughter forever, so that you could grow your power in this town at the expense of our god.”

Mae looks in a haunted way upon her father, her hatred boiling to the surface as never before.

“For your greed this has taken place. May you never be buried and know honour in death. May you forever languish on this bank never to know death’s peaceful sleep. But may you be cursed to wander this shore and know Dionysus’ wrath.”

She whirls away from him and with demanding hand proffers the mistletoe bough to the ferryman.

“Take us across, for we seek Dionysus, and I am his consort.”

The grim, gaunt figure grimaces at the bough, but scowling, poles alongside a rickety jetty on the banks of the muddy, eddying murky waste that flows beneath his skiff. Mae first, then Paul, gingerly haul themselves over the boat’s rotted edge, its planks creaking and pools of muddy waste sloshing on its floor. Under the weight of their living flesh, from bow to stern, the vessel sinks lower into the sludge. Jude makes his way to board, but the boatman, with his giant, angular frame, blocks the way.

“The living have no place among the dead.”

Hearing the refusal rocks Mae back, gagging from shock, making the bark rock violently in the liquid waste. Paul stares belligerently.

“What do you mean the living have no place among the dead? I enacted his ritual death.”

The boatman pushes off from the jetty, sending the skiff into the midst of the thick flow.

“The living have no place among the dead.”

The understanding penetrates Mae, and she speaks with deathly silence to Paul.

“Our mission is doomed. This is the blank card my mother couldn’t see. The wheel of your plan cannot finish its turn without the consort priest.”

In great fury, Paul screams with hideous anger back over the river in a hollow, disappearing voice.

You’ve made me mad again Jude. I told you not to dare make me mad. I said I’ll kill you if you do.”

Jude now looks back calmly at Paul, raising his voice to send his words, realising that he has indeed passed not into Hades but some other place.

“You were going to kill me anyway Paul. Kill me, resurrect him in you, then consort with her. Why else are you down here? If its any consolation to you, as priest I confer to you the right to consort with Mae.”

In even greater fury, Paul screams as with hate through the dark mist.

“We have a new house prepared for us. We will go there, and we will do what we came to do. Destroy this town. As for you Jude. You, you, you, I will drown alive, but barely.”

Jude calls back into the dark mists.

“There is nothing you can do to me Paul. Just as there is nothing you can resurrect through me, there is nothing you can kill in me.”

With that Paul disappears into the mists of the waste.

In the mustard-coloured lounge, the others remain gathered around the three, continuing to chant their chorus of hymns. Jude remains on his chair, Mae and Paul sit cross-legged, facing each other on the alter, as they were in the ferryman’s boat.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 116

Fragment 116 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

In the living room the chants have grown increasingly urgent and the now naked forms of Paul and Mae are upon the alter.

The old woman turns Jude back again to see the forest changed to an Elysian admixture of diffuse light and clamouring darkness. Both the chariot and the Lady remain in his view. But now also appear within earshot to his right, Mae and Paul, standing before the cold visage of the shade of a woman.

“I have come here mother, by the order of your god. I now pass through these shadows with the consort of your choosing. It is me, mother, and not Caul who is fulfilling your purpose. Caul has abandoned us. He has gone the way of the church.”

The impassive shock wrenching at his mother’s face spurs Paul on.

“Bless me, mother. Please.”

Paul’s pleading moves her marble visage not, but fills her eyes with anger that blaze rejection and ferocity at Paul. Then the woman flings herself away, melting into the shadowy grove, leaving open the wound that Paul desired healed.

Jude watches now as Paul, ashen and grieved, moves forward slowly with Mae towards where the glorious chariot stands alongside a large tree, barren and waste. Whereat the brazen feet of the son of Man, eyes blazing fire, move from the chariot to bind it to the tree, the boughs in return blossoming suddenly to life, leaves and flowers ornamenting its wintry branches. Then placing before the tree the seven-branched lampstand, He speaks with sounds of rushing waters.

“Behold I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive forever. And I hold the keys of Death and Hades.”

With that, around him the four creatures, the throng of elders and the multitude burst upon a holy song, its melody swelling, as upward rises the train following the ascending Christ. But brightness forbids Jude from watching, causing him to cast himself again upon the ground to hide from its intensity until it subsides. Then looking up he finds the Lady alone by the vegetated tree, a guard over the chariot and warder of the seven lampstands.

Paul and Mae enter the dark-groved paradise surrounding the fresh-blossomed tree, its trunk tied by wainscot and crossbar to the chariot. Yet while they see the chariot and tree, the Lady stands blind to them, she hiding Jude in her power. Before them rather lie Hades Elysian Fields peopled now with the shades of many, the timbre of Orphic song at play in the air. Then rises the shade of a gaunt man seated beneath the boughs of the tree to approach the newcomers.

“Ah my son, long have I been expecting you.”

Paul falters briefly in his step. Mae looks on undaunted.

“We seek Dionysus.”

Paul’s father looks at her equally unmoved, returning his hollow gaze to Paul.

“Waiting I have been under the boughs of this tree for your betrayal which was loyalty to bring you to me. Like Aeneas finding Anchises you are, fleeing from a sacked Troy seeking blessing of a future Rome.”

He turns towards the tree. “Do you see this chariot tied here to this tree? This is Church tied by the Cross to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

Then the old man looks suddenly skywards. “Do you see yonder eagle descending rapidly from the heavens? That is Rome’s Eagle descending, growing steadily from Aeneas’ line.”

With a foul swoop, the gryphon-sized eagle, talons outstretched, attacks the anchoring wain, reeling the chariot from one side to the other, shaking it with violence, only to then swoop up upon the chariot’s ark and there feather its nest.

The shade of Paul’s father turns back to them.

“In just such a way the line of Aeneas has ensured its glory—sitting upon the church, and subduing it until the time of its destruction. And like a beast, the power of Rome has been growing.”

The earth beneath the wheels of the chariot is suddenly rent as an earthquake upheaves the ground, and there rising from the vault of the earth, a dragon rises to splinter the floor of the chariot to climb upon it and there rest with its seven heads, each one seeking to douse with breathed fire the lamps of the candelabrum. And upon its back, like a strong city, a woman rises, drinking the blood of those perished for the cause of the church.

“Do you see this whore?”

Paul’s father points her out with disgust.

“She, who is like your mother, and who is like the girl with which you used to consort, but have grown to hate, she has made free with the kings of the earth, growing rich from their adulteries with her. So strong she has grown that she has tried to wrest dominion from the dragon upon which she sits.”

The shade’s face wrings in pained displeasure before pointing his finger towards the beast.

“But look, the ten horns that grow from the seven heads—one who will be like you, and three who will be as those who will follow you—these ten horns and the beast will hate the woman and bring her to ruin, just as you have left your consort to be stripped naked for her flesh to be eaten and burnt with fire.”

The shade of his father looks proudly upon Paul.

“You have done well my son, usurping from your mother’s kind what she was trying to steal from the dragon that feeds her. She had planned for Caul to consort with with this woman here, and bring upon the world a child she could sacrifice for her own dominion.”

The shade’s face is now beaming, his forefinger attempting to tap the breast of his son.

“But you Paul, you have broken the line. You did well when you prayed to have us killed. And with this woman you shall consort to bring about the dragon’s desired son, so that the overthrow of this harlot can be complete.”

The old man now takes a step forward and tries to embrace a slowly awakening Paul, but there is nothing the incorporeal shade can do.

“Now join in spirit with Dionysus son. Let sublime beauty clothe chthronic darkness and bring them to union in this woman. Live no longer in anguish of your guilt for me or your mother, or in envy of your brother but go forward and fight that battles that will come your way in wresting Rome away from the whore.”

Paul is taken then in spirit before which Mae bows and finally acquiesces. And beneath the bows of the tree in the presence of the chimerical dragon, they come together in union. Paul’s father looks on until they are done.

“Now take this woman along past the tree to where you’ll find the ivory gate—the gate to release you from this trance, and return to your world.”

As Paul with Mae, pass by beyond the tree, the vision before Jude disappears and the Lady returns to view. She looks with direct terseness at Jude, and then simply turns on her heel. Having gone about ten paces, she stops and casts a piercing look back at him.

“Follow me, so that I might talk with you.”

Jude, split through with fear, scrambles up from his prone position, moving forward to join her. They continue in silence for a while, before she starts speaking again.

“You are full of fear and shame and you quail before the vision you saw. But I would have you aware that the dragon which you saw, will rise, but go to its destruction. Not always will the chariot of the Church suffer the beast’s seven-headed attack upon the churches. But even as I am prophesying, so God’s Divine Justice will be met upon those who, along with the dragon and its whore, pillaged the Cross that binds the Church to this tree; who made its Truth the desire of their own vain conceits.”

She says nothing for a moment, allowing a scene of a flowing river beyond the thick foliage of the grove to become clear to Jude’s eyes.

“But as for you, you have followed along this path, and by God’s grace been brought thus far through Lethe’s repenting waters, despite the salt-encrusted darkness of your doubt. What say you for yourself?”

Ahead by the shadowy shore of the river, Jude sees the old woman that led him across Lethe standing alone as if waiting his approach. Looking at the Lady, Jude can merely whisper.

“If I have failed to give hope. If I have failed to suffer for Christ’s name. If I have failed to control the sloth of my sinful nature. From these things I have repented and have now within me the peace that passes understanding, knowing that I am hid in the fire that makes men fair.”

The Lady then simply smiles.

“Then go now forward and meet the one who will lead you into the still deep waters that will refresh your body eternally, preparing it to mount from star to star.”

So going forward, Jude meets the old woman by the bank, who takes his hand, and leads him into the still depths.

Fragment 82 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

Consciousness rises to Jude with the swift buffet of cold sea wind buoying his weightlessness as if all the world had fled away in the grips of a great earthquake. He vaguely feels his broken body being ruptured by rocks before feeling the cold salty sting of sea immerse him. Then there is nothing left to breathe as his weight drags him down like a whirlpool. Going down, his life in stages goes through his mind, the final scenes flashing last: of being awakened from his trance by Paul in empowered fury; of Paul causing him to snort line after line of cocaine; of being driven to the cliffs and the beautiful sunrise, of the heirs creating the scene of a suicide and the beautiful sunrise, of being thrown from the cliffs and the…Now suddenly, amidst the peals of thunder and lightening flashes, there is the great white throne again before him and a voice.

“I put to death and I bring to Life, I have wounded and I have healed. Here you will lie until the sea gives up her dead. The rise and fall will not leave you, but neither will death take you.”

Then Heaven is silent.

Jude smiles his last, forgetting forever that sea gulls cry and that sea waves swell, and leaving behind the profit and loss of this world. Where he lies, a sea current will dissolve his flesh, then pick at his bones in whispers until the coming of the Lord, and the resurrection of the dead.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 83

Fragment 83 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

Under the canopy of a dead street lamp, freshly kicked out by one loitering alongside it, Paul leans up against Jude’s car, arms folded and smirk on his face as he watches Jude approach.

“Why you leaving Mass so early Jude?”

A bowel-gripping fear tightens Jude, but he says nothing. Paul laughs and then speaks out loud, as if to anyone who might be listening.

“Christian or Jew, turning the wheel of your life, when you look to the wind, consider from where it blows and remember Jude, who was once living like you.”

He looks back at Jude.

“Me and my friend here need a lift back to the house for our Christmas party. What do you say? Do you mind?”

Jude feels the ominous presence of the other man suddenly behind him and knows now he has no choice. He just opens up the car so that they all clamber in.

As Jude pulls away, Paul settles back, puts his feet on the dashboard and lights a cigarette. He gives it to Jude, and then lights another for himself. Inside Jude the fear is beginning to grow. Paul leans across and scrutinises Jude’s face and then laughs.

“You still freaked over our bloody coup this evening? Is that why you came to Mass?”

He shakes his head and looks with disgust at Jude.

“Tonight we’re going to resurrect new and fertile life, you’re presiding over it and you come to Mass?”

Paul laughs incredulously.

“Well Jude, all I can say is this. Your persistence in running back to a dying institution at moments of crisis inspires no confidence in me.”

Jude winds down the window and flicks his cigarette defiantly out of it.

“You can destroy the Church, but you can’t destroy God.”

Paul smirks as he still draws leisurely on his own cigarette.

“You know Jude. No wonder you failed as a priest. You never did make the connection that if you destroy the Church, you destroy God’s power here on earth. They’re inextricably linked through Christ’s sacrifice. So to destroy the Church, you first destroy the faith of the faithful, which suffocates the Spirit in them. Then you get them to resurrect the god of earthly fertility to snuff out the Spirit. If you do that, you’ve defeated Christ’s blood sacrifice. And you only have to do that in one person, and you’ve won.”

Paul draws lazily again on his cigarette.

“That’s why I picked you Jude, a young, naïve novitiate, barely grasping the tenets of his own faith, but so obviously inhabited by the Spirit. And I destroyed that. I destroyed your faith Jude. I made you what you are today. And tonight my work will be made perfect, and then it will be in my hands to demolish this infernal shadow of a mountain, if I want.”

He waves contemptuously in front of him as Jude’s car climbs the steep hill towards the house, outside which are parked many other cars. They sit in silence until Jude pulls to a halt at the end of the gravel drive. Paul looks at him.

“Everything’s ready inside. Let’s go.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 84 

Fragment 54 /Winter’s End /Compline /Sat, 29 Aug 1998

Caul leaves the dance frustrated beyond means, not knowing why he cannot enter the dionysian state which should be his to enter. He begins to wander around the club, fighting the acid flood that is seeking to sweep him away. But as he approaches the table where Paul and the others are playing pool, he is unable to keep from entering him the dark wave of music now shuddering the club. It creeps up upon the waters of Caul’s soul, stirring them up, breaking the tent of his soul, causing the waters to pour forth their visions of desolation.

He watches Paul laughing out loud into the evening, soothing the palpable tension around the table with his words. But Caul sees that they are seductions for Paul’s own lusts sneaking unawares into those around him; sees that they are death undoing them. He watches Paul’s effect on Janice whom he has turned from Christian faith; watches her playing the whore he has taught her to play, while denying her the freedom from the lust that now agonises her. And he watches as Paul’s well-placed jibes burden Gary’s bull-like shoulders over his sense of failed performance such that with each pool ball that Gary plays, his male strength transgresses into avaricious desire.

Then his eyes settle on the blond, Audrey, one in whom Paul’s words have had little chance to grow. As he watches her, all he can observe is an angry soul cooped up in body insecurities that drag her through the evening with parched thirst for an affirmation of identity. He suddenly fears for her; for what Paul has planned for someone so ready to implode. Then realising he must look inside himself to see what has been wrought upon him by his brother’s words. As he does so, Caul finds Paul’s envy of him coiled around his being. He realises how much he has let this envy feed his own pride, and how it had hardened his love for Mae, even before she married Gary; a love that even now, despite being dead, he wants to find.

Realising what his brother’s words have done to him and wanting to see its envious cause, Caul turns horrified back to his half brother. Looking at Paul’s soul, Caul reads written there a condemnation, and beside it a wound caused by Caul’s own being. In greater mortification and grief that has ever touched him, Caul realises that the wound has rejected and perverted all possible grace and forgiveness offered, and has turned into a fiery fount through which poison and hatred spew forth into the burning sea of other’s souls. Unable to take any more, Caul back-pedals away from the table, turns away, and hurries from this booming place into the chill, late winter night.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 55

Fragment 55 /Midsummer /Prime /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

Dawn peaks from behind the dragon-back peaks, lightening the firmament of the sky and pushing back darkness across the bay to where the city stands at the peninsula’s edge. The sun is now past its closest point to the earth. Darkness will grow now, the sun slowly bringing less heat, enough only to ripen the harvest, and then the burning of whatever has not yielded goodness from the earth.

In this growing darkness is the lone mountain and the river running softly from it, seeking to end its song under the suffocating overgrowth of alien vegetation that crowds its banks. The river winds downwards into the town, channelled all the way by cobbled stones cemented to the soil. Here its banks are drenched with leftover summer filth: empty bottles, sandwich papers, cigarette butts and condom wrappers. And its waters, once unsullied and meant as a source for parched throats, are now dirtied by those that have run after profit.

Finally it will open up into the false bay whose waters are neither polar cold nor tropic hot; to where the ships of the earth trade their wares with the merchants of the multitudes for the intoxication of the kings of the earth. And instead of infusing the salt mix with living fresh water, its pours out the dirty effluent of men who have cuckolded this town, and have eaten in it without the slightest qualm, pretending to be shepherds, but feeding only themselves.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 56

Fragment 56 /Midsummer /Compline /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

Jude is swallowed by the pangs of grief exposed by the cocaine and he lets them overcome him as the night swallows him up.

/by the banks of this town’s river/ /i have sat down and grieved/ /praying that the life it gives/ /will run till i end my song/ /and to run softly/ /for what i now have to speak/ /is to be neither loud nor long/

/before their destruction/ /the star that fell into the abyss will rise to the earth/ /the destroyer that has been bound for the thousand years will be released/

/but nothing will compare to the darkness/ /the darkness from voice of the bridegroom and bride never being heard in this town again/

/the bride will lie dead in the street of their town/ /and they will celebrate thinking their time of torment from plague is over/ /but her blood is found in them and will be revenged/

/the harvest at the close of the age is at hand/

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 57

Fragment 57 /Midsummer /Compline /Tues, 22 Dec 1998

Leaving the bar to the girl beside him, Jude lifts the bar flap and by force of habit thrusts his head into the pool room where he meets Paul’s arched laughing eyes, his chuckle spreading from ear to ear as he converses with three loitering heirs with whom he has now grown close. They are the only ones in the room and a shiver goes down Jude’s spine, rattling his bones.

He retreats quickly not wanting to garner Paul’s gaze too long and enters the kitchen via the side door in the passage way. Feeling safe again, he stares out the back window at figures in the dark gathered lazily around the tree that grows on the far side of the small, but empty parking lot. Jude watches wistfully the ritual of closed fists meeting gently against each other as a burning coal is being passed between them.

“I figure you want your snarf?”

Jude turns quickly to see Paul behind him. There was no hearing him coming, just a cold blast at his back.

“No. It wasn’t that at all. Just looking in you know.”

“Come.”

Paul turns. His footfalls are silent like darkness. He unlocks the door to the small office. Jude follows him in warily, and at a distance. But Paul goes straight and opens a safe inside a cupboard, retrieves a package and then closes it, throwing the package almost flippantly on to the desk.

“That’s the last of your thirty pieces of silver’s worth.”

The sight of the pack itches a gnawing hunger that never leaves Jude now. A last shred of dignity holds him back from just taking it though, and he affects suspicion.

“Why early this month?”

Paul merely chuckles again.

“Come on Jude, I know you’re out. I don’t want to keep you from having a white Christmas do I, and have you lose your nerve when you most need it.”

Though the laugh is light, Jude feels Paul’s black eyes bare in on him.

“Thanks.” It’s a meek voice, squeezed unwillingly of its own authority.

“Good.”

Paul’s smile in now expressionless.

“I’m glad my giving it to you tonight was worth it.”

He moves past Jude and towards the door.

“Lock the door when you are done.”

He leaves. Jude stands frozen to the spot. Paul sticks his head back in the door.

“It has been a pleasure working with you Jude. Take the rest of the night off. My treat. I’ll be waiting for you Christmas Eve, a crowned joker, right? Ave Maria, and all that.”

The wolfish grin abruptly disappears as Paul closes the door and leaves Jude alone in the small cubicle office. Too gripped with craving to give the last step of his betrayal its last moment of remorse, Jude’s shaking hands open the package from its brown paper wrapping and withdraws a solidly packed translucent pack of cocaine. He takes a pen and gashes the plastic, overflow from the contents bursting through. Jude, now sitting behind the desk, carefully with his finger brushes this effluent onto a square memo note, puts it on the desk in front of him and then opens the drawer to his left where he takes out a role of scotch tape, a piece of which he neatly places over the gash in the plastic, finally wrapping the package back into its brown paper. He unfolds his empty wallet from which he draws an old ATM card and a paper note. His fingers nimbly, albeit shakily, cut the crystals into two lines. The powder lifts easily through the rolled note and deposits itself where his gullet meets his airways. He licks his forefinger, the saliva on it picking up errant granules from the desk, and then sticks it back into his mouth to rub his gums. They begin to numb, while inside him, the intensity of grandeur begins. He stuffs the package blatantly under his arm, gets up and leaves the office, locking it behind him. In the kitchen he scrambles around until he finds an innocuous looking supermarket bag into which he drops his package. He passes back into the bar via the passage door, not bothering to stop at the bar, and seeing only Gary being seduced by a forgotten Janice in the dark table by the corner before exiting. As he exits, he turns his head to look in through the glass panes of the veranda door to his left and finds himself looking at Paul leaning against the dark maroon wall, one leg up against it and his head resting. Jude looks away and leaves.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 58

Fragment 58 /Whitsuntide /None /Sun, 31 May 1998

The spacious veranda is full of stagnant pleasure and its laziness is intoxicated with the hazy mid-afternoon beauty of the bay. Gary is lain out on cushions straddling the veranda wall, bare-chested with his t-shirt covering his eyes, trying to keep the preternaturally warm sun out of his eyes and the girl making him feel bad, out of his mind. Paul is sprawled out in the shade on an armless, stone-coloured veranda sofa, propped up by his right arm, musing upon his brother’s wreck and his father’s death before him. His eyes then turn to Gary with a disgust and a longing in his heart to be finally rid of this pawn. Yet he knows the next move cannot wait. Bracing himself and hiding his disdain, he casts his eyes into the bay.

“Sit up Gary. It’s time we talked about bringing your father’s house down.”

Gary lifts the t-shirt from his eyes and squints at Paul as he sits up warily. Paul bores his eyes straight into Gary.

“You know what it was like to grow up here with that half-breed as a brother? To know that your own mother gloated over that bastard in front of you, while all the so-called good Christian folk of this town, led by your turncoat father, laughed at you, called you names, despised you.”

Paul’s voice is cold and colourless. But the effect of his words on Gary is powerful, wrenching as they do, his gut with guilt. Knowing he needs the full treatment to gain the mastery he needs for his next move with Gary, Paul prepares for his assault.

“Shall I remind you Gary, how this town became the stench of my childhood? Thirty seven years ago my father became rightful leader of this town. When he became leader, he defied everyone and married my unbelieving mother. You know what it was like before they took over. Those pharisaical believers had made it illegal for any Gentile from outside of this town, even if they professed the faith, to buy property here. In 1967, after six years of getting this town to accept my mother’s religion along with theirs, my parents changed that law, and they gave your father the right to sell property to anybody from outside. These new buyers didn’t even have to confess the Church’s faith like they would have had to before. My father was finally doing what no one before had had the courage to do—make this town open to everyone and let my mother teach her mysteries alongside the Church. That was the year we were born Gary. That was the year Caul was conceived.”

Paul pauses to watch Gary’s guilt begin to change into anger. Happy with the progress he continues.

“But when my mother gave my father Caul as a son; a son who was not his son, but a son from a religious rite of hers, your father pretended to be all religious and started making the Church churn out good works so they could feel self righteous about themselves—enough to get them to turn against my parents, who had freed them from tyranny, and make your father the leader of this town. While all the time he was just consolidating his power over the new trade on property. Scandalous, wasn’t it.”

Gary can only sit shamefacedly as Paul shakes his head.

“Don’t let it break your heart Gary. My mother deserved it. And the fact that Caul’s coloured. That was her way of making sure everybody knew he, and not me, was to succeed my father as head of this town and as priest and king of her faith. Even his name is a bastardisation of mine.”

Here, for a second, Paul’s voice loses its mesmerising hold over Gary as it dips into the cup of bitterness in his spirit.

“I’m glad those rocks thrown that night on the highway killed them. Maybe it would have been better if he had died as well.”

Paul looks full of hate over at a bewildered looking Gary, realises his slip in mastery and commands a soothing voice over him.

“It’s not Caul I hate. Him and me. We are the victims. That’s why we’re still here in this house they built. But it’s gone to rack and ruin. And now it’s time I got a house of my own. That’s where you come in.”

Paul releases Gary slowly to be able to speak again.

“You mean bringing my father down has to do with this house?”

A gleeful smirk ripples Paul’s face, as he sees his pawn beginning to move.

“Yes. You know that I’m busy washing my hands of coke by bringing the three stooges under my control and handing them the coke trade in this town. We’re at a point now that anyone I find pushing coke in this town not authorised by me is sorry they were ever born. The reason I can do this is because I’m forty kilometres from the city. Close enough to get in, but far enough to be left alone. I’ve been in this game a long time. I’ve built up close connections. And the stooges have to go through them. So if I scare the crap out of some pusher they’ve brought in that bought a few low-grade grams from some scumbag on the city beach front, there are going to be no recriminations from that side if I take care of things here. You see Gary, there are no dealers in this town. Too easy to get caught. So I’m just a regular gangster filling a vacuum out here in an upper-middle class society town. I’m protecting your right to snort, and snort good without letting in any of the scum that comes along with crack. I want to keep this town just where it is. It’s in my best interests because the status quo is my best clientèle. I don’t want to let any of the moral free fall and social decline happening in the city to come into this town. It will drive my livelihood away. I want to keep this town safely tucked up with their meaningless moral standards that their useless religion preaches and that they hold onto for dear life, while we sell their land out from under their feet to those who want what I sell. And I know I’m not alone in this desire. All you real estate people want this too, because we’ve got the same clientèle. Isn’t that right?”

Confusion washes over Gary’s face before he takes a look around.

“But what’s this got to do with the house and my father?”

“I need to come clean Gary. Now that my cash flow runs by the three stooges, it can’t be traced back to me. And I’m bored with the underworld. I want a piece of your pie too. But how am I going to get in now that there are two powerful real estate barons ruling this town? Unless of course I can get one of them implicated in a money laundering scandal. By the way, how much is this property worth?”

“You won’t be able to pull that off. Not by my father.”

“You let me worry about that Gary. The point is, I control what you want, don’t I? Well, I’ve got a deal to offer you. I secure you the best of what you want. Personal consumption, I might add. No cost. And you do some paperwork for me. I’ll provide the inside track.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 59

Fragment 59 /Winter’s End /Compline /Sat, 29 Aug 1998

Mae hugs herself on the periphery of the dance floor, watching him bristle away, before starting to stalk towards the exit, ego haughty with pride drowning the pain. She spies Caul waiting for her yet again at the end of another failed initiation of love with Gary. She tries to stalk fast past him, but his hand clamps down on her shoulder like death. She reacts quickly, spinning around, venom rising through her spitting eyes.

“Quit waiting on me. I have nothing to give you.”

The cthronic undertow in her face is something Caul is unprepared for. He defends himself with an awkward smile and shrugs his shoulders to shed himself of his long-harboured resentment towards her from taking him over.

“As long as you haunt him, I’ll be there waiting for you. I’m dead. But it wasn’t me who did this.”

Her shoulders give way, releasing the pent-up tenseness of her soul.

“You have no right to wait for me like that.”

“I have every right. Your marriage to him nullified nothing. And the mourning you feel…”
Here Caul hestiates, not even sure if he wants to push this path anymore. “…It’s not for him. It’s for me.”

Her hand slaps his face before she turns to stalk away. His cheek stinging, Caul watches her leave, letting his depression at their yet again failed discourse clutch and sink into his soul. He retreats back into the hard, foursome beat and throws himself for the umpteenth time that night passionately into the dance, allowing the music to slowly empty his head of its acid scenes, and induce a desperately sought rhythmic calmness needed to enter the realm of his dead spirit. His movements are fluid and deliberate, but as the music drops its beat, his body loses its rhythmic certainty and he comes spinning to the surface again, where the beat is pounding itself into half-naked dancing white bodies. He winces in disgust as they unknowingly mimic forgotten rituals that stimulate nature’s reproductive energies to bring life to their souls. And he realises the best they have ever been able to do is to rattle their bones with a sense of life; that this is what these dancers satisfy themselves with from year to year.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 60

Fragment 60 /Spring Equinox /Prime /Wed, 23 Sep 1998

Mae emerges from her urban apartment and descends the stairs that lead to the street. She looks automatically to the mountain range as to a weather vane; the same way in which all the people of this town look to these mountains everyday of their lives for their source of inspiration and comfort, for their sense of beauty and security.

The sun is not far above these seven peaks that stretch out like a dragon’s back, each peak clarified in the slightly moist yellow and hazy air. The three peaks of the lone mountain, however, are still in the cold shadow of the vast mountain range whose various features often take the shapes of leopard, bear and lion to the eyes that watch it.

Mae’s footsteps have fallen quickly into a brisk, healthy looking rhythm, but her fidgeting fingers, winding themselves in and out of each other, belie an internal tension now finely balanced between the desire to gorge and eat healthily.

The sound of a car horn at her back shakes her from her thoughts. The car pulls up beside her and the window is rolled down.

“Do you want a lift?”

She finds herself staring half-blankly at Caul. Shaking her head, she says nothing.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just leave me okay. What are you doing here anyway?”

“I was about to ask you the same question.”

“I’m right where I want to be Caul. And listen, if I want to find you, I’ll give you a call okay. Right now, I just want you to leave me alone.”

Her eyes watch him self-efface her rejection.

“Well, I’m not even sure that I need you to find me anymore. I can go seeking my life elsewhere you know.” Caul nods his head curtly at her, then pulls away.

Sunlit gum trees shower her in early morning shade, as she pulls her hands in agitation back through her raven black hair, moist at the root with perspiration. Caul’s sudden proud threat of not needing her shudders her centre, releasing from her a pent-up river of anger into her blood, colouring it with the memory of Caul’s insult.

{“You marrying Gary is giving everything we’ve been raised for the finger. He represents everything you and me have grown up despising—greed, betrayal, self interest, you name it.”

“Speak for yourself Caul. I love him.”

“Crud. You’re in love with the idea of getting even with your father for his divorcing your mom.”

She stares coldly at him, wanting to wither him.

“If that is your assessment of me, then I want you out of my life.”

“Fine then.”

“Okay then.”

“Well, I’ll go then.”

“Fine. Go.”

“You want to know why I really think you’re doing this?”

“No.”

“Well I’m going to tell you anyway. Because you’re scared to death of what you were raised for. You want to abort the path, because you don’t want to face up to the darkness that you’re going to have to face. You think by marrying Gary, you’re going to escape that darkness. But all it’s going to do is put your spirit in a cage that it can’t escape. And there the darkness will eat you up.”}

/damn you for being so self righteous caul/

She is screaming at him inside her head.

/damn you/ /you bastard/ /it wasn’t the darkness i feared entering/ /it was what you’d be when i found you there/

She is now breathing deeply.

/and now i’m more scared than ever/ /what darkness is this in you that is crawling towards me/ /that raped me so/ /that is so beautiful but terrible/ /but you’ve left me no choice but to come find you/ /you bastard/

The anger cannot choke back the tears of remorse, regret, acquiescence.

/what have i been raised to/

After a few moments, however, she is breathing a little more regularly again.

/compose compose/ /go home and eat some food but not too much/ /just some cereal and some milk but no sugar/

Slowly, she begins pacing in a deliberate manner towards home. As she does so, she forces herself to come to terms with the reality of what has happened—her spirit in mourning, the new spirit growing in her, and Caul dead, waiting for her to come find him so that the ritual union will be fertile. Above her and the cold peaks of the lone mountain, beneath the clouds that cross from beyond to beyond, circles a great eagle that dives suddenly and is hidden in the cleft between two of the peaks from where flows a river that replenishes melancholy memory with joy and happiness forever, and futility of life with a life of never-ending vision.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 61

Fragment 61 /Spring Equinox /None /Wed, 23 Sep 1998

Caul, hunched forward on his elbows at a restaurant table, watches Mae approach from under his eyebrows.

“You’re late for your interview.”

Mae pulls back a chair from the window-side table, hooking her bag on its back knob.

“Okay, we can drop this interview façade now.”

Caul leans back with a smirk and his arms crossed. “So what brings Mrs Porter to Sweeney in the spring?”

“Whatever.” Mae sits down, immediately irritated by the supercilious nature of whatever arcane reference is being made.

A waitress draws near. Caul turns to her. “Just a coffee for me.”

“Same for me. And an ashtray.”

Mae waits for the girl to filter away before looking directly at Caul.

“Okay, I’ll get to the point. I called you for two reasons. Because I want to break out of this cage I’m stuck in, and to say I’m ready to come find you.”

She looks at Caul defiantly for half a second longer, then drags her bag onto her lap and rummages for her cigarettes.

“You sound so angry about your decision.”

“Of course I’m angry Caul. If you think I’m just going to let you off the hook for what you said to me back then, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“What are you trying to do? Make me apologise? Say that I was wrong when I was obviously right. It’s you that owes me an apology.”

“You know…” She throws her neck back and clenches her raised fists.

“There you go with your self righteousness. I can’t believe you. Three years down the road and you’re still doing the same thing. Just brazenly going ahead and initiating the whole damn ritual.”

He looks blankly at her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mae sits angrily back into her chair, arms crossed, glaring at him, shaking her head incomprehensibly.

“You don’t know what I’m talking about. Let me tell you what I mean Caul. I was in love with you, you nitwit. And I didn’t want to abort the path. I wanted to grow in it with you. But you were so locked up in this self-righteous attitude about who you were, you were too blind to see how scared I was. It was dark, dark, dark and I was scared and you didn’t see that. So when Gary came along, suddenly instead of feeling scared and alone in your world of constant darkness, Gary was my chance to let my spirit find light another way, for better or for worse.”

Caul doesn’t say anything, too stung to deny his hand in initiating any ritual. She looks fierily at him.

“So if I’m going to get myself involved with you again, you need to come clean about your self-righteous attitude with me and yourself. Because I’m still scared Caul. I look at the spirit I’ve got growing inside of me, and I’m scared. But I’ve got no choice now. So you had better come clean with me!”

The waitress draws up and sets their coffee on the table. Caul leans forward onto his forearms to lump a spoon of brown sugar into black coffee, then stirs, staring out the window with intense personal gravity. Mae lights up a cigarette, which she smokes staring the other way into the empty restaurant. He says nothing and she leaves her coffee untouched. Then with her cigarette drawing to its end, she stabs out the butt and exhales her lungs.

“I’m going to go now.”

Her hand is fiddling in her bag, once again pulled onto her lap. She withdraws a note of cash and lays it on the table next to her cup.

“Coffee on me.”

She stands up from the table.

“Give me a call when you’re ready to talk, okay.”

He nods at her, and she looks at him for a brief second, then turns swiftly to leave the coffee shop.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 62

Fragment 62 /Midsummer /Compline /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

The moon shone bright on Mrs Porter, and her daughter, as they washed their feet in soda water.”

Opposite Mae, an eccentric looking midwife sits with long dark hair unabashedly greying, but unable to hide the marks of sad decadence from her face. A fire bottle of red wine nestles on the table between them, open and airing, but not yet drunk from.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 63

Fragment 63 /Christmastide /Matins /Fri, 25 Dec 1998

As Jude crosses the threshold of the sanctum of the church and gingerly dips his fingers in the shallow urn of holy water fixed to the back wall, he is relieved to see it not turn bloody with his guilt. He moves into an aisle, where he stoops to a bow, his hand moving instinctively from his forehead across his two breasts down to his solar plexus. Still stooped, he slides silently into a back right-hand side pew, lowering the kneeling stool onto which he falls heavily. He rests his elbows on the panel before him between which he sinks his head, the faint smell of beer clutching his breath.

/in the name of the Father/ /and of the Son/ /and of the Holy Ghost/ /what have i done/

Jude heaves a breath forcing words to his mind.

/ive killed a man/ /to become another mans priest/ /and avatar of an idol Holy Father/ /and surely this man will kill me when the rite is done/

A slight panic grabs at his throat now.

/i confessed my sin as if it had been done Holy Father/ /to the priest this afternoon/ /he absolved me from this sin and made me clean to take the eucharist/ /but i have no belief that a priest can do what i asked him to do/ /and no faith that what i confessed can really be forgiven/

/holy mother of God/ /have mercy on me/ /help me to understand the mystery of your son before i die/ /holy virgin mother/ /pray for me/ /help me to endure the doubt i feel about our most holy church/

Jude lifts himself up onto the pew bench to see the crucified Christ dead on a cross on the front wall and sees the man he killed, the nails pinning Christ piercing him with blood guilt. He quickly averts his eyes to watch the white robed priests enter in procession from the rear, holy water being sprinkled in penitential blessing before them as they approach the chancel.

He finds himself standing, looking up at the cupola and becoming filled by the choir’s Kyrie, and it brings to him memories of upbringing: of the sound of children singing, of catechism, of tradition, of ritual, of study, of faith emptying, of agony, of rejecting and of torment.

“Lord have mercy”

/Lord have mercy/

“Christ, have mercy”

/Christ have mercy/

“Lord, have mercy”

/Lord have mercy/

The words of the Gloria being uttered from the congregation roll quietly from his mouth, but in his mind the words become empty vessels on an ocean and hardened clots in his heart. From the front a voice rings out.

“Look upon us, give us true freedom and bring us to the inheritance you promised, Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.”

The resonance of voices silently expressing the Amen brings the architecture to a preparatory silence of human bodies. In that silence, awareness of frustration begins to sweep over Jude as the mystical awareness of God’s presence in space he knows to be there, gives way to the unfathomable, incommunicable mystery of His presence in the Word.

“Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress.”

He knows the passage by heart, the midnight solemnity being his favoured since a child for its cloistered darkness, secrecy and engendering of mystery.

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”

Jude suddenly lets himself sink into the tradition, making response with a conviction determined to force open the communication to the deeper reality of Christ locked behind these symbols of words the Church uses.

“Proclaim His salvation day after day; declare His glory among the nations, His marvellous deeds among all peoples.”

But inside Jude, nothing changes. His words merely echo along with the drone of others as words are read again from the Lectionary.

“Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; Let the sea resound, and all that is in it; Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy.”

His words have now been reduced to silent mouthings in the congregation’s drone.

“They will sing before the Lord, for he comes, he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in his truth.”

But Jude’s dumb mouthing brings raw pain to his soul, which, having no other recourse to express its torture, seeks now to wrench the heart and twist the gut in a bid to escape the darkness that suffocates the light that Caul once saw flickering within him in torment.

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.”

The clawing, tearing pain continues.

“It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope.”

In response, all the darkness jealously enshrouding the light of Jude’s soul reminds him it is because of the Church that no pure and unfettered communication can now exist between him and the One who created him, and that all struggle against the darkness is futile.

“The glorious appearing of our great God and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. This is the gospel of the Lord.”

(more…)

Fragment 64 /Christmas Eve /Terce /Thurs, 24 Dec 1998

Caul’s thoughts of Jude slowly bring him to Mae, and by the time Caul leaves the ever unlocked house, the mist has been burnt away, leaving clear blue harshness under which a swarm of grumblers and faultfinders are making ready for the advent they will shortly celebrate.

He walks gingerly in through the salon door where Mae sits, not cutting hair, and living visibly in suspended animation of the renewed madness inside her. At the sight of Caul, a ravenous thirst and a nervous fear tear at her emotions. She rises abruptly.

“Come, let’s go get some coffee. Nothing’s happening this morning. It’s just us twit twit twitting with gossip. It’s all coming this afternoon for my father’s banquet tonight.”

She calls out. “Madeline, if anyone desperately wants to me cut their hair, I’m at the bistro next door.”

They wind themselves around into a coffee aromatised bistro next door, where they sit on high stools alongside an elevated table and windows that open to the day outside. They sit in silence, waiting for their coffee, neither really quite sure where to begin with the other. Soon her cigarette smoke is swooning with the aroma of brewing coffee, a warm wafting draft of air slowly sucking it away. Caul feels the time slipping with it, his heart urgent with information.

“I need to tell you something weird.”

Mae cocks her head at him in response.

“I saw Jude this morning and had this hallucination of him as a straw man.”

Her jaw drops astounded. “That’s impossible.”

She is aware that a bowl of wrath is filling her stomach.

“You are the consort.”

“No.” He shakes his head firmly.

“My mother desired that we be consorts. But I realise now, anyone can be a consort. The power to confer the rite lies with the priest.”

“But you’re the priest right. After your father died…”

Caul’s sadly shaking head stops her short. She takes a long drag on her cigarette, swelling her lungs with smoky oxygen, trying to dull a festering sore plaguing her heart. The bowl of wrath in her stomach spills over.

“Well then, who is?”

She bores a belligerent look back at him.

“I was knocked unconscious after we came off the road. Didn’t come to until the hospital. Paul always told me that my mother and stepfather were killed instantly. But the other day he told me somebody killed them. I didn’t believe him at first, so I went to the police and asked them to dig up the records. The inquest says that my father was found with a knife in his chest, my mother with her throat cut. The police concluded that those who threw the stones had killed them, leaving me for dead. Paul believes it was your father; that he did it to steal the priesthood, and keep us from ever consorting.”

Mae looks at Caul, more annoyed than anything else, as if he is spinning her a yarn.

“What? So now my father is going to confer the rite on Jude? That’s ludicrous. Even if my father did hold the priesthood, he would never the confer the right on anybody.”

“Unless somebody was to kill him? Tonight?”

Mae shrugs her shoulders in incredulous disbelief, and leans back on her stool, casting her hardening eyes away to the outside. But remembrance of the morning’s encounter with Jude shivers her.

“Jude was parked outside my place when I left for my walk this morning. Said he wanted talk about what happened between us. He seemed to be hoping that me and him, you know, meant something other than it did. I had to tell him it didn’t.”

She sighs.

“It wasn’t even my intention to have sex with him. I was revelling in being free from Gary, and that night I wanted to revenge Gary, to spite him, flaunt my sex in front on him. But Dionysus frenzied me that night. It was as if he wanted to devour Jude’s spirit.”

She draws on her cigarette again, quivering slightly.

“Why he wanted to devour his spirit has been haunting me like a festering sore ever since.”

She looks at him, deep fear no longer hidden from her eyes.

“He was emptying Jude of God wasn’t he. Preparing him to be his avatar. Only I don’t believe he did devour Jude’s spirit, Caul.”

Caul looks straight at her.

“No, I agree with you. I don’t believe he did.”

The bowl inside her is spilling its contents once again, pumping through her blood, revolting her and thirsting her at once, turning the beautiful bright blue ocean of the world before her eyes into blood.

“You know what I need?”

She turns her head sharply, her black pony tail flicking smartly, giving her poise.

“A spring of clean water like on the mountain the other day. I’m in desperate need of fresh vitality. But every time I think I’ve got it, the freshness becomes bitter.”

“I know. I have the same experience. Every new stream I encounter without fail ends up at the bar getting mad on the wine of its own futility. It seems to me that all the world’s streams are crowding at the same bar, you know, drinking the same wine.”

She throws her hands out in exasperation as the bowl within her stomach overflows its rim for the third time.

“So how to go about escaping this plague that Jude’s carrying Caul? That not even Dionysus can kill. You called it the wound didn’t you?”

The coffee arrives, its thick bitter presence swirling up before them. Deep brown sugar crawls on the spoon as Caul lifts it to his coffee and swirls it into the blackness.

“Well that’s just the thing I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t think what you call Jude’s wound is actually part of the wound. I think what’s in Jude is God and our only hope of healing.”

The bowl in Mae’s stomach revolts suddenly for a forth time, searing her with an anger that boils her blood.

“God’s the cause of all this misery Caul. What do you want to go there for? Better to rule in hell, right, than to have to be servile before a God who could easily take away all this that plagues us, but doesn’t.”

She lights up a fresh smoke to steady her rage. He just looks down as he drinks some coffee. A dusky blues voice wails fluidly above all the other sounds around them. Finally, he looks at her.

“I guess you’re not going to follow me on this.”

In reply, Mae stubs out her half-done cigarette, leaving her coffee almost untouched.

“I should go back to work. No point in belabouring a moot point.”

She leaves some cash on the table and then tilts her head inwardly at him.

“I guess this is goodbye then?”

As Caul sighs, he feels the wrenching, burning sensation of a love passing out of existence, exploding with the air in his lungs.

“Yeah. So it is.”

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 65

Fragment 65 /Midsummer /Terce /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

Audrey sees Mae at the oak tree in the courtyard, but her mind is swallowed by a couldn’t-care-less cocaine binge with Janice the previous evening, Janice then leaving her, only to come home in the early hours with Gary and the jug jug noises of their copulation dirtying her ears. Nothing rudely forced. No tereu.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 66

Fragment 66 /Midsummer /Vespers /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

There is a moment of uneasy stillness in which Caul stares out at through a low lying fog at the unreal city, flickering brighter now in the darker dusk that gathers over the poor masses his father the Moor now controls. Paul laughs suddenly with deep enjoyment, wanting to bury his fear quickly before Caul.

“But it soon won’t matter, will it Caul. Not after Christmas. Power will have shifted clearly into our hands.”

Paul draws on a crisply burning cigarette.

“Caul, come and lunch with me tomorrow at the Cannon Hotel and I will begin to show you how we will overthrow this whore of a system those real estate moguls have been bringing from their cities into this town. I’ll show you how we will use your father’s masses to set ourselves up in this town. The people here will worship us, because we will have the power to bring the supernatural daily in view of the people. You know I’m right. The real estate kings are fighting for their lives, and retreating into golfing estates. But more and more are joining our vision Caul. My plan is coming to fruition.”

Paul smiles satisfied.

“And then I hope you will join me for tomorrow evening’s banquet at the Metropole for the beginning of their end.”

His hand waves as a wand over the town below and to the city beyond.

“The last phase of their whore mixing with this town and creating a beast.”

Caul doesn’t answer this one who shares his blood, but draws further on his cigarette. Paul looks at Caul from beneath his eyebrows in a way that insists he be understood.

“So don’t let their Church get his fingers into you now. They’re the reason we’re stuck in this wasteland. It’s the Church that hated us. You want resurrection Caul? Come with me. And we’ll give these people a new way.”

He tosses away his cigarette. It glows on the dry grass then peters out. When Caul looks up from it, he finds himself alone.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 67

Fragment 67 /Midsummer /None /Wed, 23 Dec 1998

Audrey straightens her back from typing out the dictated voice of the law, and lifts her eyes to the blinded window in front of her desk. Strips of a world turning violet float into the office.

/all this law so carefully pretending to protect me and keep me safe/ /deliver me justice/ /but it cant give me justice from the culture that coughed up audrey hepburn/ /and then made my mother so obsessed with her/ /to try make me her/ /now with every guy i meet i know im not that image/ /and i feel guilty about it damn it/ /ive broken no law/ /but im guilty before even meeting a man just for not being born audrey hepburn/ /and you reinforced it mother/ /i thought the people of this town were supposed to be different/ /but youre no different from the culture of the world/ /just the way you always wanted to be one with the culture/ /i have spent my whole life trying to reconcile the two/ /but now that i have/ /im thrown to the wolves/ /he goes and screws janice/ /like audrey hepburn was just a façade to get me here/ /with no recourse to justice/ /and trapped as both criminal and victim in my own world/

Audrey swivels to face a woman exquisite in her features, elegantly dressed, silk scarf around her neck, and the radiance of peace in her face. Despite her being Janice’s sister, Audrey can feel no resentment against her, which she finds strange.

“Why does this day feel so long Evelin? It feels like it has been going on forever.”

Evelin pushes her chair out from under her desk and throws her arms out in a lazy afternoon stretch.

“Why don’t you go home. It’s after five anyway, and I saw you sitting there staring into space.”

“It’s called thinking. When I’m not a dictaphone, I do it from time to time.”

She smiles broadly at Evelin, already letting her hands begin the tidying of her desk.

“Anyhow, I’m going to take you up on that offer, especially as our gracious lawyers are enjoying their invitational round of golf.”

She gets up to go, feeling relief suddenly flood through her at the thought of a cup of tea at home.

“Bye Evelin, see you tomorrow.”

She walks by Evelin on her way to the door.

“Audrey, what you doing for Christmas?”

Turning at the door, Audrey shrugs her shoulders. “Nothing special.”

“You’re welcome to join us for Christmas Eve dinner. It’s just friends. You could get to meet some new people to hang out with.”

Audrey looks at Evelin unsure what to make of the invitation’s hopefulness.

“Sure. Thanks. That sounds nice.”

She stops a moment before as if to give the moment greater presence. Then she looks at Evelin and grins effortlessly.

“Oh to put my feet up and have a cup of tea.”

She leaves the office. As she walks past the salon downstairs she looks in the window, but can see only the reflection of herself, a human engine, trapped in her big-boned frame, throbbing, waiting for a phantom sense of freedom and hating the whimsical lightness of the one she knows is at work inside.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 68

© Richard Wasserfall 2008. Published by Nehemiah & Blake. Some rights reserved