Apocalypse of Jude

Mae emerges from her urban apartment and descends the stairs that lead to the street. She looks automatically to the mountain range as to a weather vane; the same way in which all the people of this town look to these mountains everyday of their lives for their source of inspiration and comfort, for their sense of beauty and security.

The sun is not far above these seven peaks that stretch out like a dragon’s back, each peak clarified in the slightly moist yellow and hazy air. The three peaks of the lone mountain, however, are still in the cold shadow of the vast mountain range whose various features often take the shapes of leopard, bear and lion to the eyes that watch it.

Mae’s footsteps have fallen quickly into a brisk, healthy looking rhythm, but her fidgeting fingers, winding themselves in and out of each other, belie an internal tension now finely balanced between the desire to gorge and eat healthily.

The sound of a car horn at her back shakes her from her thoughts. The car pulls up beside her and the window is rolled down.

“Do you want a lift?”

She finds herself staring half-blankly at Caul. Shaking her head, she says nothing.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just leave me okay. What are you doing here anyway?”

“I was about to ask you the same question.”

“I’m right where I want to be Caul. And listen, if I want to find you, I’ll give you a call okay. Right now, I just want you to leave me alone.”

Her eyes watch him self-efface her rejection.

“Well, I’m not even sure that I need you to find me anymore. I can go seeking my life elsewhere you know.” Caul nods his head curtly at her, then pulls away.

Sunlit gum trees shower her in early morning shade, as she pulls her hands in agitation back through her raven black hair, moist at the root with perspiration. Caul’s sudden proud threat of not needing her shudders her centre, releasing from her a pent-up river of anger into her blood, colouring it with the memory of Caul’s insult.

{“You marrying Gary is giving everything we’ve been raised for the finger. He represents everything you and me have grown up despising—greed, betrayal, self interest, you name it.”

“Speak for yourself Caul. I love him.”

“Crud. You’re in love with the idea of getting even with your father for his divorcing your mom.”

She stares coldly at him, wanting to wither him.

“If that is your assessment of me, then I want you out of my life.”

“Fine then.”

“Okay then.”

“Well, I’ll go then.”

“Fine. Go.”

“You want to know why I really think you’re doing this?”

“No.”

“Well I’m going to tell you anyway. Because you’re scared to death of what you were raised for. You want to abort the path, because you don’t want to face up to the darkness that you’re going to have to face. You think by marrying Gary, you’re going to escape that darkness. But all it’s going to do is put your spirit in a cage that it can’t escape. And there the darkness will eat you up.”}

/damn you for being so self righteous caul/

She is screaming at him inside her head.

/damn you/ /you bastard/ /it wasn’t the darkness i feared entering/ /it was what you’d be when i found you there/

She is now breathing deeply.

/and now i’m more scared than ever/ /what darkness is this in you that is crawling towards me/ /that raped me so/ /that is so beautiful but terrible/ /but you’ve left me no choice but to come find you/ /you bastard/

The anger cannot choke back the tears of remorse, regret, acquiescence.

/what have i been raised to/

After a few moments, however, she is breathing a little more regularly again.

/compose compose/ /go home and eat some food but not too much/ /just some cereal and some milk but no sugar/

Slowly, she begins pacing in a deliberate manner towards home. As she does so, she forces herself to come to terms with the reality of what has happened—her spirit in mourning, the new spirit growing in her, and Caul dead, waiting for her to come find him so that the ritual union will be fertile. Above her and the cold peaks of the lone mountain, beneath the clouds that cross from beyond to beyond, circles a great eagle that dives suddenly and is hidden in the cleft between two of the peaks from where flows a river that replenishes melancholy memory with joy and happiness forever, and futility of life with a life of never-ending vision.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 61