Apocalypse of Jude

The circles that his forefinger runs in the mustard coloured cloth of seat next to him help still Caul’s mind.

“I’ve been doing some map reading lately, and your big book says it is impossible for those who have received the seal of the Spirit to lose it.”

His finger stops and he looks straight at Jude.

“Months ago, you told me I was right when I said you had the Spirit in you. But then you came to me after screwing Mae, telling me you don’t have the Spirit in you. Well which one is it? Because it can’t be both?” Caul pauses for the question to sink in.

“And who is the third who always walks beside you? Don’t look surprised Jude. I just haven’t told you about it. But every time I’ve tripped since Pentecost, and I’ve been around you, there has always been this person gliding alongside you in a brown hooded mantle; I’m not sure whether man or woman. Who is it? Is the Spirit or is it Death? Because it can only be one of the two.”

Jude suddenly laughs one of his cutting laughs.

“You still think you can heal me don’t you? I can see you working inside your head Caul, trying to grasp hold of the healing mystery of God’s power so that you can use it for your own glory. It’s the self same mystery that the Church has been trying to jealously hold onto, and that the devil wants. But all is lost, because in the process of trying to hold onto it, the Church has lost God, and since healing is a gift that only the Holy Spirit can impart, even if I could be healed, any chance of healing is gone. As for you, you would do good to let your delusions go.”

No change comes over Caul’s complacent listening complexion. But he stands and leaves quietly, going to his room and closing the door behind him, having realised again that a prayer has been answered and that if he is to find God, he needs to find the Holy Spirit.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 93