Apocalypse of Jude

With the homily’s end, Jude’s mind is both at turmoil and amazed at the priest’s perception, the congregation standing to utter its creed.

“We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.”

Jude stands with them, again allowing the words to utter forth from his mouth along with the voices of others professing faith.

“For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.”

But he is unable to shake the uncomfortable sense of the priest’s eyes boring into him during the homily as if intimately aware of all Jude has betrayed himself to.

“He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.”

And that insistence of knowing the truth evokes again in Jude the black hole on whose edge he has long been circling, a horizon enough to keep him in touch with the Light, but strong enough to keep him from breaking the deadlock that this darkness of spirit has on him.

“We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified, he has spoken through the Prophets.”

At this moment there is a revolt through his mind, and the rest of the profession that follows strangles in his throat.

/one holy catholic and apostolic church/ /and here i am despite betrayal and murder seeking the mystery of forgiveness of sins/ /the resurrection of the body and the life of the world to come/

“Amen.”

/church first/ /then belief/ /i dont believe the church/

“The Lord Jesus is generous and patient with us despite our sins and failings.”

/a placebo/

“Lord, make us grow in your Love.”

/sometimes the placebo works/

“Give bishops and priests a heart that reaches out to sinners.”

/with a faith based in well meant deception/

“May those in sin and error come to conversion and new life.”

/and when the effect wears off/

“Make us grow in Your love.”

/isnt that what happened to me/

“May we prepare ourselves in celebrating the great jubilee of our redemption.”

/and yet here i still am/ /despite all my feelings of being violated by a placebo faith/ /desperate to believe in its truth/

“Heal our troubled consciences and wounded hearts Lord Jesus.”

/to escape this awful growing darkness/

“Lord, make us grow in your love. Amen.”

Jude sits with fear being processed within him as his eyes watch the priest and attendants prepare the alter for the consecration of the bread and wine.

/holy mother give me wisdom/ /for i cannot approach this table/ /i dont believe in the holiness of the church and yet the mystery of Christ prevails over me/ /challenging my doubting faith/

“Father, it is our duty and our salvation, always and everywhere to give you thanks through your beloved Son, Jesus Christ. He is the Word through whom you made the universe, the Saviour you sent to redeem us. By the power of the Holy Spirit he took flesh and was born of the Virgin Mary.”

/i cant receive this communion/ /my conscience is too much for me/ /oh my saint/ /my namesake saint/ /i cannot persevere for i cannot find faith in the Church as transmitter of Christs mystery/ /but you too despaired because of your great sin and lack of trust in Gods mercy/ /pray for me/ /deliver me from this despairing cause/

“Lord, you are holy indeed, the fountain of all holiness. Let your Spirit come upon these gifts to make them holy, so that they may become for us the body and blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ.”

/i want to but i cannot/ /i dont believe in the presence of flesh and blood/

“Take this, all of you, and eat it: this is my body which will be given up for you.”

/i dont believe that there is anything there to take this guilt away/

“Take this, all of you, and drink from it; this is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all men so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me.”

/and i can never drink the blood/ /you keep your faithful from the blood/ /you give them the holy body/ /but keep them from complete purification/ /you let our sinful blood corrupt the body/ /and only you priest/ /only you receive full purification/ /while we remain condemned to share the body but not the life/

“Let us proclaim the mystery of faith.”

Anger grows in him, passing slowly from his mind, ripened now by the fresh oxygenated blood of his deep breaths. It pulmonates through him, filling his body with the protein of anger and smouldering cloudiness comes over him. The rest of the Eucharistic prayer goes through him, but he abhors its meaninglessness to him as the mass moves into its rite of communion.

But beneath this ocean surface of anger, the mystery still haunts him, unsettling the surface with its shifting currents, trying to break through as the Pater Noster rolls from the tongues of the adherents.

“Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles: “I leave you peace, my peace I give you.” Look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom where you live for ever and ever.”

Jude hides his anger as he watches icily the adherents commingle and offer the sign of peace to one another before they seek mercy from the Lamb of God.

“This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper.”

/not i/ /for i cannot bear the mark of faith they wish me to have/ /faith in the church/

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

He looks up again on the hanging death of Christ on the cross, and realises to his horror that unless the mystery is uncovered to him, there is no resurrection, no escape from slipping away from the horizon of light into perpetual darkness, and the Eucharist just dead flesh and blood. He explodes, screaming within his mind.

/speak to me/ /why do you never speak/ /speak/

“The Body of Christ.”

The bread and wine are consecrated. The priests come forward to administer as the faithful rise from their silent prayers randomly, and begin to gather and queue for the sacrament. But Jude can no longer bear the idea of consuming dead flesh, and he turns from the pew into the aisle and walks angrily out into the storm awaiting him.

Wasteland Mix: Fragment 38